No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
