There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
