great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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