if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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