this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Randomize
