I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
