my mouth tastes like poor choices
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Well I just put wine in my tea
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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