I'm gonna have a badass scar
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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