his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
