I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
