I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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