So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
