taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
