I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
Randomize
