Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
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