I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
