im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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