Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Floor bacon is actually really good
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
