you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Two words: blizzard sex
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
