My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Randomize
