hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
