we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
