so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Randomize
