I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
