I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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