I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
