hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Randomize
