I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
She needs sedatives and a leash
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
