do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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