Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
