WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
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