well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
