I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
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