you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Randomize
