i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I just forgot I was standing up.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
