I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
