I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
