I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
