she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
