When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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