brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
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