If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
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