these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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