That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
