Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
