i used baking grease as lip gloss
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
