my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
