I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
