i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
