She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
not ubering you a puppy
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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