glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
