I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
